How Deep Is The Ocean?
The online portfolio & blog of Eric Ogburn

This is just disturbing. As if actually submerging yourself in ocean water isn’t dangerous enough, now you have to worry about sea creatures jumping into your boat and stabbing you in the chest.

From abcnews.com
Fla. Boater Stabbed in Chest by Stingray

LIGHTHOUSE POINT, Fla. Oct 19, 2006 (AP)— An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stung him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said.

“It was a freak accident,” said Lighthouse Point acting fire Chief David Donzella. “It’s very odd that the thing jumped out of the water and stung him. We still can’t believe it.”

Fatal stingray attacks like the one that killed “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin last month are rare, marine experts say.

OK, I keep hearing that stingrays stabbing humans in the chest is a rare occurence, which may or may not be true. Stingray stabbings often go unreported due to the pain and death caused by having a foot-long barb sticking out of your chest. If these stingray attacks are as rare as experts tell us, then there can only be one explanation that explains the recent elderly-harming and celebrity-slaying attacks: stingrays are terrorists.

We’ve polluted their water, overcrowded their beaches, and devastated their food chain. Meanwhile, stingray-kind are helpless against the combined might of humankind. So what choice do they have? Terrorist tactics and guerilla warfare. If we don’t give in to their demands, they will continue jumping into our boats and harming old men, while killing our Australian celebrity snake-wranglers.

But if there is one thing we’ve all learned from our president, is that you don’t give in to terrorists. There are plenty of freedom-loving fish in the sea that have no gripes against us, and refuse to stick barbs in our chests. We have to continue our way of life in the face of this adversity. So don’t cancel your scuba lesson, or refuse to charter that deep-sea fishing vessel this weekend for fear of getting a foot-long stingray barb in your chest. If you do that, the terrorists will have already won.